July 1, 2016
By Robert Jedrzejewski
Hard upon “Faversham’s” visit to the baronial digs of Cardinal Ludovico Scrofulenza (aka “Big Louie), Umberto Falena (akaThe Moth), the trusted journalist from the Giornale Vaticano, was contacted by the Cardinal’s office to arrange a press conference of all Italian media outlets, TV, radio and press, where some boffo scandalous stuff would be revealed and the evidentiary documentation provided.
“Big Louie” was anxiously anticipating his greatest day in the sun. Little did he know that it would be the darkest day of his life and a come-uppance like no other. For the Bat-Priest’s (aka Fr. Franco Bergoglio) part in this caper of justice and righteousness is about to become apparent, but only to you, dear reader, as this secret must remain hidden from all public eyes if the Pontiff is to remain in office and continue his efforts to aright the many wrongs of the Roman Curia.
First though, The Moth pulled out all the stops. He arranged for the press conference to be held midday in the popular and beautiful Baroque Piazza Navona, an enormous open area, with literally thousands of Romani, tourists, vendors, artists and clerics milling about, seeing and being seen. A podium with numerous microphones was set up in front of the gorgeous Fontana di Quattro Fiumi (Fountain of Four Rivers). All TV cameras focused on the podium, where Cardinal Scrofulenza arrived with his retinue of sycophants.
Brandishing “Faversham”‘s genealogical documents in his upraised hand, the arrogant Cardinal Scrofulenza began haranguing the assembled press corps with all the faults of the humble Pope and how he was bent on crumbling the sacred walls of a holy institution with his disdain for Vatican tradition. He hinted at some scandalous new facts that would reveal what a charlatan Bergoglio really was. But then KAPOW, BAZONKA AND GAZOWEY !!! the documents virtually exploded in his hand, became inflamed and finally disintegrated. “Big Louie” collapsed in a heap, believing the explosive conflagration to be of divine origin. He would spend his remaining days at Qui Si Sana sanatorium under the tender care of, ironically, the Suori di Giustitia Divina (Sisters of Divine Justice) religious order. Thus departeth from the scene the rapacious Cardinal and his malevolent Vatican career!
And finally The Bat-Priest’s role in all of this! Standing inconspicuously in the rear of the crowd at the Piazza Navona, Fr. Franco appeared to wipe his brow at the moment of Scrofulenza’s loudest harangue; instead, he pointed at the documents in the Cardinal’s hand as Big Louie reached his apogee, and activated a radio beam from the Micro-Laserflex-Conflagrocam (MLC) he cleverly had hidden in his handkerchief. The spurious documents had previously been treated in the Bat-Cellar with a secret chemical, Inflammotrophic-Ethyl-Solinate (IES) -and KABOOM! – the results described above.
The second significant action of Fr. Franco Bergoglio took place late that night; through an un-named, but highly-placed intermediary, he requested, and was granted a private meeting with His Holiness, Pope Francis (aka Jorge Bergoglio). At this meeting, under the seal of Confession agreed to by the Pontiff, the humble cleric revealed all:
His secret identity as The Bat-Priest, as well as those of his cohorts and all their recent activities on his, the Pope’s, behalf were revealed. He confessed to his ancestry and his distant, but real blood relationship to his “uncle” (or probably more appropriately “great uncle”) and then all the other things one confesses to one’s priest. He pledged undying loyalty and offered to be ready to respond to any call for assistance the Pontiff might have occasion to communicate.
The Pope smiled benignly at the end of the session – knowing full well what had just occurred! He was Pontifically, but happily conned. THE SEAL OF CONFESSION IS ABSOLUTE. The confessor can neither speak about nor in any way act upon what the penitent has revealed. He was acutely aware of how well he and his “nephew”, the other
Bergoglio, were mutually protected.
(Finis for now)
Robert Jedrzejewski is a retired college instructor of philosophy, theology and literature.