January 18, 2017
Inspired by personal events
CW: emotional/physical abuse; trauma
I’ve never felt so many complex emotions in my life coming in contact with a human being.
I’m not supposed to miss you.
I wish I didn’t have to miss you.
I don’t know what I’m more ashamed of
Wanting the old version of you.
Or believing someday you will change.
I can’t even bear to think of touching a guy in a romantic way without thinking of you.
You are fucking around with every other woman.
I wish they knew. I wish they knew.
The time of freedom and classes and hardwork is–
I see you lurking behind me everywhere I go.
Why is it that people do not believe me.
But they believe the perpetrator
The truth is in the emotional and physical scars that I have.
“You asked for it to happen.”
It’s so hard to like someone.
When the person who loved you last
took everything from you.
I can never love the same.
I can’t get up in the morning.
But I’ve been told life goes on so I need to force myself to go into the world that holds your presence higher than it holds mine.
I wish I didn’t have to live in fear.
All the screams, all the fights, all the times I felt hopeless.
All the times I wished I left but couldn’t.
All the times I internally yelled at myself for loving you.
I wish I wasn’t so afraid to tell my story including all the details.
But for now, I’ll end here.
Krithika Pennathur is a sophomore English Writing (nonfiction track) and History major pursuing minors in Chemistry and Statistics and certificates in Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies & Public and Professional Writing at the University of Pittsburgh. She is thrilled to be interning with NewPeople and to be part of an amazing community